Chase away your demons

Summer is almost over yet the days are still extremely warm. The maple tree outside my balcony is shedding leaves already and there are a few on my balcony floor. That means I’ll have to clean it up in a few weeks. The weather will be hot all weekend and then cool off significantly come Tuesday. And honestly, I can’t wait. The heat is affecting my energy levels and just zaps me right out.

I just came inside from my balcony thinking the sunshine on my skin might improve my mood. But it didn’t. I still feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. There is a combination of feelings that hit me daily as I go through the motions. One minute I’m laughing with friends, but as soon as I lay down in bed at night, my mind wanders to dark places and tears stream my cheeks again.

Sadness. Despair. Loss of hope. Fear. Anxiety.

The nightmares are in full swing and I don’t know how to stop them. Part of the healing process. A response to trauma – physical and emotional. And I can’t get that look in his eyes out of my head. It’s there every time I close my eyes. He wanted to hurt me. And he got off on it – not in the good, kinky and fun kind of way.

I struggle to ask for help from my loved ones. I don’t want to burden them with my feelings. Instead, I acted out on Fetlife making several posts about going dark and going into hiding. Until my Man decided to “hold me accountable” and took away my Fetlife privileges for two days. It’s agony not being able to login. I didn’t realize how much I relied on the social network to get me through the days of not working.

But also, I know he’s right. I need the break. Following certain people isn’t good for anyone’s mental health. It gets to you after a while. And at the same time, I’ve lost my “safe space” to rant and share feelings.

That person took that away from me too. It no longer feels like a safe space for me to write. I don’t think he knows about this blog. Very few people have the address. And I plan to keep it that way. I don’t think my man even checks this. I hope not. I need a place of my own to just vent and just exist with my feelings.

Along with this sadness, this depression, this hurt – comes new feelings that scare me.

Total apathy.

I’ve lost interest in what friends do, though I try and be a good friend and listen, ask questions and be there for them too. I’m trying. I really am. When it comes to family, hobbies, creative stuff – I’ve just lost that passion. Lost that desire. Lost that spunk.

I’d never admit it to him. But that person destroyed me. He broke me. He ruined an experience that was precious to me. And I don’t know when I will be up to it again. Maybe never. It’s brought up old trauma. It triggered something I thought I had dealt with over a decade ago.

But I guess trauma never really goes away. It stays with you. Until something surfaces and triggers something deep inside of you.

And it’s not the late nights with insomnia that scare me. It’s not that. I’m used to it and even sleeping a little better now that it’s cooler at night. No, it’s not that.

It’s the things that happen in the darkness. Things that go bump in the night. Monsters in the closet, sometimes proverbial, sometimes not. The over active imagination that has seen one too many horror movies and have had one too many spiritual experiences to know there’s something that goes beyond what we see with our own physical eyes. I’ve seen and experienced too much to know.

It’s the shadows in the night. The dreams. The visitations from beyond while I sleep. The sleep paralysis. The demons in my head. It’s all of it. It’s come back to haunt me.

I find the nightmares get worse this time of year as Halloween and All Saint’s Day draws near. I tend to go in hiding once autumn hits. I seek solace. Solitude.

I want to be left alone to stew in my feelings.

And for that reason…. a very small part of me wants to break the rule, so that I can be left alone for a week or two. But also, that part of me that needs that daily connection, that part of me that finally let itself be cared for again ….

I’m afraid that would shut down. And be lost forever.

And so, I sit here alone. With my feelings. Too wrapped up in my feelings to ask for help. Hoping that maybe one of my friends reaches out to him and tells him how much I’m hurting. Because I’ll never be able to say the words myself.

That’s where we are this Wednesday morning. There’s no regret. No shame. Just apathy. And the fear that one night – the darkness will come and engulf all of me.

And people will finally see the darkness that’s deep inside of me.

That’s what scares me the most.

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