It’s another chilly and miserable day here. I don’t mind this weather. I’m taking the day off from “life as normal” in general. Last night, went to bed with a bad dizzy spell and feeling sick. Then boom. Wide awake until 5 am. Finally passed out and got a few hours of sleep. This has been happening since I “blacked out” last week. But that’s a story for another day. It scared the crap out of me and luckily, someone was with me when it happened.
Things aren’t so good here. I don’t want to go into the details publicly. But I’m having trust issues at this time in my life. I feel like things around me are changing and beyond my control. I feel like sometimes, maybe my anxiety and insecurities are too much for people to handle. But that’s what insecurities are. They get to you.
I’m currently avoiding the world today.
My phone is shut off. I temporarily deactivated my Fetlife profile. I’m close to deleting Facebook and Instagram since it’s mostly spam anyway and I hardly post anything anymore. Twitter might be the one place I post regularly and keep up friends. But even that seems uninteresting and unappealing right now.
Long distance relationships are really hard. But relationships in general are hard. When all you have is communication to rely on and that seems to fall apart, what are you to do? I get there are bad days. We all have them. Maybe it’s to the point, where some time apart might do wonders. But at the same time, I don’t want that either.
When I get stressed like this… all I want to do is sleep.
The meds are knocking me out. I’m tired all the time. I just want to sleep but then insomnia kicks in and I can’t. My mood has been better overall. But the anxiety and overthinking things — it’s exhausting. Nothing seems to help it. And I’m not getting the reassurance I desperately need right now.
And so. Before I depress everyone around me…. it’s a Justin Vernon kind of day.
Maybe I’ll watch PS I love you tonight, or Lake House.
I reached out to a guy friend to ask what I should do. He said:
“Turn off the world today. Take a break for the night. Sleep on it. See how you feel tomorrow.”
And that’s exactly what I intend to do.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I haven’t showered in two days. This is what anxiety is like. It’s your Master and you are it’s bitch. Until finally, it allows you to breath again.
Good night world.