The truth hurts sometimes

It’s been a while since I sat down to write here in this blog and once again, I find myself with little to say. I just had one of the longest bouts of insomnia I’ve ever had. My longest had been 120 hours which nearly killed me. This time – I made it to almost 200 hours with very little sleep.

The first three nights there was zero sleep. Which is pretty on par for my insomnia. But then it just kept going on and on and on. The next night I had an hour. The night after that, maybe two hours. Last night it finally broke and I had about four hours of waking sleep.

That means, you sleep, but not consecutive sleep. It was enough of a recharge to help me get through today. But the weather has been muggy and hellish. We’re going to get another heat wave this week and that doesn’t help with my mood either.

It seems like my world has fallen apart a bit in the past few weeks. It started off learning that an online friend had been “stalking me” and doing deep dives about me for a few years now. This is someone that I met on Fetlife. We barely spoke. Maybe exchanged a few comments here and there on pictures or writings. Much like you do here on WordPress. That was it.

Our final exchange on Discord wound up with me blocking him on all platforms. Though I think he can still read this blog. And if you are reading this…please know what you said and did was really wrong. It’s bad enough to admit that you were stalking me. But the rest of what you admitted was even worse. And that’s before I got my exhibition game going on.

I wound up blocking my female friend on all platforms. That one hurt to do. I’m still reeling from it. She’s going around the site making claims such as “people will let their true colors shine” etc. But in reality. She ignored me for nine days while talking to my friends and my guy behind my back.

Who does that????

I definitely didn’t do that with her people. In fact, I stayed clear of them because they didn’t like me. And honestly, ever since, it’s put a wedge in my relationship. I hate to admit that, but the doubt is there.

I want to trust him. I do. I’m trying. I’m trying not to obsess over things. And I’m trying to keep busy on my end. The weekend was good. But now here we are – hot summer days with not much to do.

I really should get back into writing books. My inspiration for music has dried up and my youtube channel all but died. I give up on that aspect completely.

I did manage to make it out to a couple of park events in the past while and made some great local friends close to my age. There were some men too but many of them have primary partners. It seems that in this lifestyle – you have to accept the fact that you’ll be sharing partners. Or you may not find a match at all.

And that’s where I am today.

Wondering how I still fit into his life. If I still do. If he has the time I seek. Or maybe he knows that he really doesn’t and he’s pulling himself slowly for me. Sort of like the peel of a bandaid.

All I know is… I’m not happy right now. I’m downright miserable.

It’s like I have to brat out to get any attention. But if I brat out too much, then that’s not good for anyone.

I don’t know. I can’t do the hot and cold anymore. And maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe we’re past that new relationship energy. Maybe this is all we can be to each other and he knows it.

Or maybe I just need to get out there and start meeting more people and see what happens.

Why is it so hard to communicate these things to people? I never know if they’re telling me the truth. Or the truth they think I want to hear.

And that maybe hurts the most.

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