It’s already first week of June and I haven’t written in a while. I think the reason is that I’ve been super focused on new relationships in my life, and new friendships and have neglected this blog. Not much has changed since my big post in May for goals and so, I’m skipping out on goal setting for this month.
I don’t know if I’m in a funk or hit a depression again. The weight is not budging and I’m incredibly frustrated with it. Whether I eat 1200 calories or 1600 calories daily of all healthy food, it doesn’t seem to matter. I feel gross. Fat. Bloated. My chin feels swollen. I don’t want to have to rely on drugs for weight loss, but I think I need a quick visit to my family physician.
I need to do that anyway, for updated medical so I can keep my benefits. The disability letter he provided was strictly for migraines. Now we need to include the other stuff like chronic fatigue, severe insomnia, anxiety which seems to have worsened, and all the joint issues too. There’s a lot going on and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to hold down another job.
The first year on disability was easy. I kept myself busy with artistic projects, writing on this blog almost daily, then I started with my book series. Something happened about two months ago where I lost that “go get ’em” attitude and steam that kept me going. I would write for 8 hours a day without stopping. Now, I can’t get out more than 500 words and I struggle to do that much. Some of it is the brain fog. Some of it is the arthritis. My hands are so now and it hurts to type. The drugs I’m on just don’t do much for pain.
Most of my medical appointments are finished. I’m still waiting to see the geneticist in person. And I’m still waiting for a couple of test results. I think I got most everything done in the last two months. That included bone density scan, scans on my knees, appointments with rheumatology and ortho for surgery.
Both specialists told me there was nothing they could do for me. I cried on the way home from the last appointment. Maybe that’s the source of my funk. People keep telling me to lose weight. But no one can offer me advice on how. Or what might work. No one seems concerned that no matter what I do, whether it’s IF, lower carb, or killing myself with 90 minutes of exercise in the morning – nothing seems to work. I might lose 5-10 pounds in a month, then gain it in the next month.
The weight and size I am has made me reluctant to date or go out again. I’m supposed to meet someone for coffee today and I’m having anxiety about it. I’ve been told that I’m not to back out of this “date” which is with an old acquaintance. It’s an introduction meeting, to help me get back into the alt community.
Because while I care very much for my “partner” down in Minnesota, it’s not enough. He doesn’t have the time to address all my needs. And the distance makes it impossible to meet physical needs. Though we do have amazing chemistry, something has changed in the last week or so. I don’t feel that connection as strongly anymore. We haven’t talked on the phone in over a week and I miss that. I miss him. I miss the fun we had in the first few weeks.
I know life gets busy for people and it’s hard for, because I’m not working. I don’t have many responsibilities now. I feel guilty for not working when the rest of the world has to. So, I’m trying to find ways to occupy my time and my mind. I think sitting at home waiting for people to call is hurting my ego more than anything. Making me feel insecure and unsure about myself. I hate feeling this needy and clingy – because that’s not the person I am.
And we’re drifting apart, and that scares me too. I’m scared of losing something before it even really starts. It felt like I was finally getting things right with a relationship. That I finally clicked with someone who was good for me. But it’s hard to get close to someone and let yourself be free with them, when they’ve closed themselves off emotionally.
I also haven’t seen my dad in over a week. The visits drain me. I love him. But the dementia is heartbreaking. I come home and cry for hours after our visits. I know his time is coming soon and that scares me too. I don’t know if I can handle his death alone.
I’ve also tried reading. I have four books sitting on my coffee table – unread. Or partially read. My brain refuses to focus on just one task lately. It’s exhausting. I need to get back into it, because it gave me inspiration for writing too. Plus I’ve neglected my Good Reads challenge. Maybe I’ll spend some time today searching for more books to read.
And so. That’s why I haven’t written in a while. I don’t have any good news to share. I haven’t done any of the things I promised to do in May. And I’m feeling a little down on myself for that. I’m feeling insecure about myself and my weight. And starting to feel unworthy of love and the relationships I have gained in the last two months.
More than ever, I’m afraid of losing that connection. That spark. That something that really put a smile on my face all last month. Even though the distance is hard at times. I just want it back. Because that spark, was something that kept me motivated to work on self-improvement. Now, I just feel like sleeping most of the day and going back into hiding. Reverting back to old ways of shutting out people and more importantly, feelings.
But hiding doesn’t really solve anything. Being isolated from the world just makes it worse. And so, I’m at war with myself again.
I’m trying. I’m really trying to make it all work.
And I’m trying to make me work too.