May showers brings…


It’s Monday morning and I’m up already with my breakfast, vitamins and morning coffee. The sun is shining and the sky is blue today. A nice break after a very miserable week of stormy and chilly weather for the last several days. It’s supposed to be plus 22 later on, so I’m hoping to spend some time outdoors today and working on my summer tan. Which usually turns out to be a slow burn with lots of freckles.

My sleep has been out of whack due to a recent turn of events. I’ve already written about the relationship so I won’t gush here. The whirlwind romance is not without it’s challenges that we have both talked about in length. The distance makes it nearly impossible and so does the international border. It’s about a day’s drive from his small town in Minnesota. Flying would be easier for visits but then there’s the problem of getting updated passports and the cost of flying.

Tree is almost in full bloom!

New relationships comes with new feelings

So, we make do with what we have. He wants to move to video chats which I hate being on camera. We talk on the phone maybe 2-3 times a week, and chat daily by texts and exchanging pictures on Discord. And I gotta say. I’m developing some hardcore feelings for the man. I’m not used to having someone check in on me daily. Hell, I’m used to be ignored for days or weeks on end and he knows that. It has been quite the adjustment for me.

But I seriously like him. I’m smitten. And he wants desperately for this to work. The other thing I’m struggling with is that he is what is called ethical non-monogamous. I suppose I am too. When you live alternative lifestyles, it’s hard to find that one person that can satisfy all your needs both in the day to day life and sexually. Let’s just say – we are compatible in both departments. Even long distance. It’s been pretty great — without giving you the nitty and gritty dirty details.

And the thing I’m not used to – is he has feelings for me too that he’s openly admitted. I won’t divulge those private details here. But I cried. I’ve been loved before but I’ve also been in relationships where I had deeper feelings for my partners than they had for me. So, this has my head and heart spun a little. Okay. Maybe a lot. I’m trying to just not get too deep, too fast. I’ve learned.

New hair, new me

I tried dying my hair this past week. He had suggested a cool color like blue or purple. We compromised on violet. The first box color did NOT take and I was so pissed. I tried again and now it’s almost a black color. You can see the purple highlights in certain lights. So, I don’t mind it. I’ll probably have to see a hairdresser in person. But I’ve been doing my hair on my own since the pandemic started including cutting it! It’s not that hard. Maybe it’s time for a change in style.

In terms of fitness, meh. I’m seeing very little progress. I was doing great in April and was down a few pounds. Then my schedule got switched around with late night phone calls and the insomnia hit its peak. I’m finally back to getting about 4-5 hours of sleep nightly and that’s good.

This week, I hope to get out for more walks if the wind isn’t too bad. I like going later in the evening when traffic has died down and all the neighbourhood kids are in bed. I only made it around the block on Saturday with my knee. I need to get a sleeve for the busted knee cap. Don’t even get me started on the visit with my new ortho. Ugh. So useless.

I’m looking at other ways to “clean” myself up after being single so long. Some maintenance is required when you get to a certain age. Luckily, my skin has held up fairly well but there are dark bags and circles under my eyes. Eventually will get a pedicure – never had one before. And a few other things. Like maybe waxes? We’ll see. Take it slowly too. Hope to see some more progress with fat loss in the mean time.

Life challenges make things well, challenging

My moods have been up and down for a variety of reasons. Dad is coming close to the end of his days and I’m not accepting this news well. He has given up the fight. He’s more emotional these days and it’s hard to be with him when he is like that. A combination of the stories from hallucinations and constantly saying, “Why can’t I die?” over and over again really got to me during our last visit. And then there have been dreams about my mother again. She visited me last night in a dream and told me she was here to “take dad home with her.” So, I know the time is close. I really struggle with this, being on my own.

The man makes it a little easier, be there to talk to. But he also has a lot on his plate and can’t be there for me all the time when I need him. And that worries me too. I spoke about him to my therapist on Friday and told her a little about the relationship. She said if things do work out after meeting in person that I may have to decide what’s more important. Living here for family and benefits – or making the move (eventually) down there. I’m not sure that’s feasible. It might mean taking on a second partner here and keeping the relationship as an occasional in person visit kind of thing. But… it’s only been THREE weeks now. And I’m trying to take things slowly. The month has really flown by for that reason alone.

This time I’m being open and honest with him about moods and feelings. I’m trying not to hide things. It seems to have brought us closer. If I need time alone, I just tell him that too. And so far, it seems to be working.


So, that’s life in a nutshell. Much of the same, with a few changes.

This week, I’m looking at flowers for my balcony. I’m thinking pansies and daisies this year. Keep it simple. I might just buy some pre-potted baskets and call it a day. Maybe some indoor herbs too. I also need to think about air conditioning though they eat up power like crazy.

I also need to think about getting a new bed. Mine is perfect for me. It was a second hand unit from my sister. But I’d like to get a queen or a bed without a frame. I can’t get comfortable with it and it could be causing some back issues. So, that’s on my to do list in the next few months. Plus if I’m going to start having manly visits every now and then, it’d be nice to have that extra room. Giggles.

God, could you imagine? After a 7 year hiatus? Fuckkkkk…..

(Also… is being stupid. Anyone else having issues with formatting posts these days? It’s one of many reasons I don’t write as much anymore. Adding new blocks is frustrating as hell.)

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