Anywhere away from here

It’s late here as I write this, almost one in the morning and I’m still wide awake listening to my Spotify playlists and playing some online games. I want to sleep. My body is tired. My rib popped out again tonight so I spent a good portion of the evening in bed with my heating pad instead of visiting my dad or going shopping. For a brief moment there today, I really wanted to go out for drinks with friends then my energy levels just crashed and burned.

And here we are.

My emotions have been all a muck this past weekend. I think part of it is the insomnia. I finally got caught up on some sleep this weekend after a two month stretch of bad insomnia. That always messes with my psyche.

But there’s more going on. I can’t really go into details here. Not yet. But I met someone. And things have been moving pretty fast for an online relationship. There’s the chance it could lead to a long distance thing. What that will look like – I really don’t know.

Why is it – the people you click most with, are so far away?

Last time it was with a guy in New Mexico. Only he turned out to be a major asshole after a couple of weeks. Showed his true colors. And the dude is still on a timeout from the website for bad behaviour. And nope. It wasn’t me who reported him this time. He’s pissed off enough people with his immature ways and fat shaming. Ugh. Don’t even get me started on that.

The name for this blog mostly single still applies. I’m still technically single. It’s not a conventional relationship. But it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time. Maybe all my life. Only I didn’t know it.

Sometimes people bring out qualities in you that you never thought you had. While others bring out the worst in you.

This guy….. woosh.

It’s different.

There are texts every morning asking how my night went. Asking how much sleep I got. Or how I’m feeling. Asking what my plans are for the day.

Text messages throughout the day and evening. Even until the wee hours of the morning.

Surprise phone calls which last for an hour.

A really surprising video call when I was looking ugly and he made me feel beautiful and sexy.

The offer to keep me company on Mother’s Day when I was feeling low about my mum. And he did. We chatted off and on throughout the day. And the night…. woah. The details are too much for this writing space here.

But there’s a caveat. And it’s a pretty big one.

He’s in the US. Just south of the border in Minnesota. But it’s a border nonetheless. I don’t have a passport – yet. I need to get mine updated. Travel is expensive. And I don’t drive, so that means I can’ t just up and leave and see him.

Sure, MN is just below Manitoba. It’s not that far. Visits are possible.

But.. can it last? Can this work?

I really want it to. So much. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I already know he’s a match in many ways. A lot of ways. But we’re still just getting to know each other.

This is the first time I’ve entered a relationship in SEVEN years. So to the other blogger who keeps calling me a slut – you can die on that hill. I’m definitely not. But after years of not feeling much of anything. I have all these big scary feelings that I pushed down for so long.

We haven’t spoken tonight and it’s the longest we’ve gone without chatting. It’s weird. He told me he’d be out. But it’s still weird. He has another partner. It’s one of those relationships. Ethical non-monogamy. A term I’m still getting used to.

I’m spinning. The room is literally spinning around me as I type this. That could be the drugs though. My head is full of unwanted and intrusive thoughts. But at the same time. I’m floating.

I want this to work so much. But part of me is scared it’s moving too fast. And the other part of me doesn’t care. I’m at war with myself currently. The irrational part of my brain is refusing to listen to all the logical thoughts that I should be listening to.

God, I’m giving myself a headache writing this out.

Maybe I want this too much. Is that possible? To want something so bad to work out that it scares you?

In case you ever wondered what it’s like getting involved with an over thinker. This is it. Late night ramblings and writings that make sense only to the writer.

Maybe that’s okay too. Maybe no one else is supposed to understand this but me.

But God. I want this. If you’re reading this…. you mean more to me than you know. Just hearing your voice brightens up my day.

Even if it scares me. Because relationships are just fucking scary in general. That’s part of the thrill. Part of the fun. And what makes them so worth holding onto. You’ll just have to put up with my moods and overthinking that happens late at night when I can’t sleep.

And what I love about you is you take me far away from here with only the sound of your voice.

Wild and running
Fearlessness is burning bright
We knew nothing ‘cause out of sight is out of mind
Before we ever learnt the fear of being bold
Before we ever were afraid of the unknown

When the lights go up
I don’t think I told you I don’t think I told you
That I feel out of place
Pull me underground
Don’t know if you notice
Sometimes I close my eyes and dream of somewhere else
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here

We sold our souls and we lost control
With more doubt than hope
Glass half empty Discontented from growing old
Through all the failed attempts at trying to belong
I over think the obvious when I’m alone

When the lights go up
I don’t think I told you I
don’t think I told you
That I feel out of place
Pull me underground
Don’t know if you notice
Sometimes I close my eyes and dream of somewhere else
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here

Oh, when I close my eyes
Oh, when I close my eyes
I wish I could disappear

When the lights go up
I don’t think I told you
Don’t know if I told you
That I feel out of place
Pull me underground
Don’t know if you notice
Sometimes I close my eyes and dream of somewhere else
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here
Anywhere away from here

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