Vulnerability and opening up to someone new.

It’s Friday night and for the first time in about a week, I have good energy, I’m wide awake and feeling good. This past week was terrible between the insomnia, migraines and everything else that seemed to hit.

But I always snap out of the funks even if they seem to last longer and longer these days. And for my female readers that reached out this week, this post is for you. So, you get a sense of what’s been going on.

I’ve been contemplating getting back into dating for a few months now, since I started writing those stupid of books of mine which I can’t seem to finish. I spent most of my day writing from January right up until early April when I “tuckered” out. I can’t even finish editing the third book. They took a lot out of me emotionally and I think I overdid it with writing. It was like I was obsessed and the stories took control of me. Like I was channeling from elsewhere.

Well… this story, is a bit long. So grab your cup of coffee. Your glass of wine. Your bottle of whatever you might be drinking tonight and I’ll tell you what’s been happening.

A whole lot. And then a whole lot of nothing too. I feel duped. Stupid. But at the same time, incredibly sad that it all fell apart so quickly. I replay everything in my head and wondered how I could have done things differently. And now I know. Lesson learned.

It will be a LONG time before I open up to another person again like I did this past month. And I’ll probably miss out on a great guy for that reason. But god damn. This person got into my head. And…well you can read the rest.

The Connection

It started with a comment on a writing I did over on Fetlife where I’m slowly getting more involved in these days. Nope, I won’t share my handle here. I like to keep some tings separate. This is mostly a “vanilla” website. But you should know this has been a part of my life, for most of my adult life. I’ve lived… two lives and hidden this part of myself for a long time. Struggled with it quite a bit. But it’s part of me. It’s like hard wiring. And it makes dating and forming relationships incredibly challenging. It was those damn books that made me realize how much I missed it.

I ranted about my family one night after a fight a few weeks ago. I wrote about it here too. All about setting boundaries. Anyway, this random guy leaves a comment on my writing. And I check out his profile. Like a couple of pictures. He returns the favor. And a couple of comments.

Next thing I know, we’re in DM’s together and flirting. Then flirting turns serious. He wants to know everything about me. And I mean…. EVERYTHING.

We talk medical conditions. That’s what brought us together. Then he asks personal questions. About past relationships. Family relationships. It turns out – we have a shitload in common. Like….eerily in common.

I open up to him. I send him EVERYTHING but my goddamn phone number and address. There are people on that site that didn’t even know I had a music channel or did art. And this guy – he literally got everything from me.

So, for three or four days, we talk non-stop. Flirt wildly for all our mutual friends to see. Friends of mine get involved and start reaching out to him because they’re cool like that. And watch out for me.

And then one night….

The offer that killed it all

“All right. Pack your stuff. I’ll send you my address. Be here in a few hours.” He says to me out of the blue one late night while we were deep in conversation.

At first, I laughed. He couldn’t possibly be serious. But then we got talking about how it seems the one time you “meet” someone you’re compatible with — they’re half a world away. Literally. A whole country away.

Another day or two pass. He asks to take a bit of a break. We do. I start chatting with other guys, meeting new friends. Suddenly, my list of 40 friends doubles to 90 and I have this whole network of guys and gals that I can flirt with and just be my dorky self with. It’s cool. They vibe with it.

Then the next time we talk, I check in on him to see how he’s doing. I jokingly say, “By the way, flights are only $700 right now.” It was in …jest. I had no plans on moving down to the south. I don’t even have an updated passport right now.

The guy balks. It was HIS idea and he balks. Freaks out. The conversation gets awkward after literally hours of chatting. And I finally convince him that “I’m not traveling 14 hours to come see you. That’s insane. My body can’t handle it. I was just curious. That’s all.” But the damage was done.

He distanced himself. Then came back at it hot and heavy after a bad night with my dad. It was a really bad night. Dad was having all kinds of hallucinations. It freaked me out. I came home. Had one too many glasses of rum and messaged him.

Trauma dumping and trolling

Now… this us where I fucked up. I was still reeling from trauma dumping in my books about past traumas and was an emotional basket case. I may have, one too many times, written some emotionally charged posts about my past. But I was so excited about having let someone in…that I felt I could share this information.

He caught me in a vulnerable moment in my chaotic and confusing life.

Then ….he started distancing himself more. I started flirting with other guys. And then….

He wrote this long scathing post about everything he hated in life. Including and get this. Obesity and “fat chicks.” Well. Um. Hey. He’s seen my pictures. He knows my struggle with weight loss.

How can I not take that personally?

I know. You said it wasn’t personal. But it felt personal to me. Your words really hurt.

Then I follow him around a bit on the site for a couple of days without commenting. And sure enough. He’s attacking people left, right and centre. He’s hating on “fat chicks” and so….

I… unfriended him. I even cried about it a bit because I really liked him. And I KNOW he liked me too. Maybe it scared him too.

Anyway. Things went to shit after that.

I finally called him out for being a bully. I asked if we could take a pause and just chill. And he BLOCKS me.

He fucking BLOCKS me after I told him I wouldn’t block him. Which I think is sometimes his end goal on that site.

His account has been suspended so we have zero contact now. And fuck it, if I don’t miss the guy. How messed up is that? Chatting for only a couple of weeks. And I miss it.

I miss him calling me a Viking Vench and the other nicknames he had for me.

I suppose it’s because he’s the first person I actually let in. The first person I trusted. And the first person I started to actually “like” in a VERY long time.

We’re talking years. 7 fucking years.

I’m sure it spooked him. But it scared the fuck out of me too.

And so, here we are. Another Friday night and I’m feeling a little low on myself. But I know this will pass. Maybe this was a lesson. A reminder that I can’t be “all or nothing” early on in relationships. That I shouldn’t force things and that I should….more importantly.

Protect my heart. Remain reserved.

But in the mean time, I can flirt like hell with random hot guys on the site. Impressive lifters, bodybuilders and even Viking dudes. Because, it’s just flirting. And it’s something to pass the time.

So… that’s where I’ve been. Distracted. Hurting a little. But this too shall pass.

And dude. If you’re reading this and you still have my blog address. Blocking me erased our entire history together. All the comment exchanges. The flirting that YOU said YOU liked. And that hurts the most. I never would have blocked you.

As for the drama that followed, I had nothing to do with that either. That was all you. Maybe next time…. don’t troll on one of the largest accounts on the site that most of my friends follow. You’re the one who aired our private discussions out for everyone to see – and that wasn’t cool.

But goddamn it. I miss talking to you.

Peace out ladies. Hope you’re all doing well. I’ll leave you with this earworm for the day. I might just post about songs I like for the next bit.

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