Coming home again

It’s end of the month already and only one day left in March. Hard to believe that we’re already four months into the year and what a whirlwind of fuckery and emotions it has been. And no, I don’t apologize for my language. That’s just part of who I am now. I’m vulgar and readers will just have to accept it.

My book has been finished for a couple of weeks now and I’m getting antsy about it. I’ve sent it to three friends for their feedback and am anxiously awaiting for their reviews. Another friend is supposed to help me with editing but she admitted she’s a slow reader.

I’ve had other people ask me to send the book to them and I’m hesitant. I poured so much of myself into the story that it really took a lot out of me. But this morning, after waking up at 4:45 am for no reason, I just finished editing the third part of the story. A much shorter book. Still with heavy and dark themes – but as the story progresses, it gets easier to write.

The sun is finally shining again and the birds are out today. There is a family of sparrows that have moved into the Maple tree outside my balcony window. Even the snow which came in full force over the weekend is gone.

Today is looking to be a good day. I have dinner plans later tonight, catching up with an old friend.

Last week, after finishing my book, I reactivated my Fetlife account. There I said. I don’t apologize for that either. I reconnected with old friends I haven’t seen in years. I spent time making amends for those I hurt. And surprisingly, most people I reached out to were willing to talk and be friends again.

I created a dating profile. Well, more of an introduction profile to get my feet wet in talking to men again. I’m being honest with the ones that reach out to me. Saying that I’m just looking for chat right now. Nothing serious. Just getting started again.

Physically, my body is hating me right now. On a good day, my pain levels are around an 8. On bad days, it’s bedrest and Netflix for me. The sun helps with my mood. And I can’t wait to go for walks again.

I’m seeing marginal progress in terms of fat loss. My pants are all fitting and I’ve dropped about two sizes for shirts. I have a long way to go though and the fat can’t come off quick enough.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with rheumatology which I’m not looking forward to. Next week, I have to get some xrays and tests done. Also, something I’m not looking forward to. But a necessary part of the healing process.

I received a call yesterday from CPP and my application has been denied because I’m still going through the process of investigation. She said as long as my medical proved I can’t work, then I can still stay on disability insurance. AISH doesn’t pay enough to live, and I’d rather stick with the employer benefits for as long as I can.

And so… that’s what’s going on in my life at this time. I’ll see my dad later this week, with promises of seeing him more often once the weather warms up. We’re looking forward to having visits with him in the garden. He is slipping from us more and more. My aunt cried when she told me he didn’t recognize her. Dementia is a cruel disease.

This third installment of my book series made me realize that family is everything. Family doesn’t have to be blood related. You can choose your own family. Choose the people you want to spend your life with. And for me, that’s what I’ll be focusing on for the next while.

Making amends. Letting go. And rebuilding the life I once had.


Baby, baby, baby
I’m coming home
To your tender sweet loving
You’re my one and only woman
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You’re the only one that I want

I wanna be around

I wanna be around, girl

I wanna be around, girl
Ooh, I wanna be around

Baby, how I’d be grieving
If you wanted to leave me all alone now
By myself, I don’t want nobody else
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You’re, the only one that I want

I wanna be around, girl
Ooh, wanna be around

Baby, baby, baby
I’m coming home
To your tender sweet loving
You’re my one and only woman
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You’re the only one that I want

I wanna be around

I wanna be around, girl
I wanna be around, girl
Ooh, I wanna be around

I need you baby
Girl, I
I need your loving darling
Wanna hold you close
Girl, girl

Leon Bridges, Coming Home

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