Still chasing for that feeling, was it worth it?


It’s Monday morning as I type this. Another snowy and dark morning here in Edmonton. I’ve been awake since before five am and am sipping a cup of coffee. It’s cold in my condo and I’ve got the fireplace going, listening to acoustic folk music and love songs.

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions and I’m struggling to even define how I feel right now. Writing my book in part was an important part of the healing process to let go of past traumas, and get myself to a place where I could think about dating again.

They say that healing can quickly turn into depression as you work through your shit. I skipped right over the shock and denial phase and went straight to the anger and depression stages of the healing process. And as I work on part III of my book series, as my characters work on healing, I realize I still have a long way to go.

The seven stages of grief are:

  • Shock denial
  • Pain and guilt
  • Anger and bargaining
  • Depression
  • The upward turn
  • Rebuilding and working through the pain
  • Acceptance, moving on

I think I’ve skipped right to the rebuilding phase. Learning to let go. To move on from past hurts. To forgive those who hurt me. And forgive myself for making bad choices that led to those traumatic events.

More than anything, I carry this heavy weight and guilt on my shoulders for allowing these men to treat me the way they did. Which is really fucked up when you think about it. But that’s how emotional manipulation works.

The victim feels responsible for the abuse their partner dishes out and wonders what went wrong? I remember always thinking to myself.

What can I do better? What did I do to piss him off? What am I doing wrong here? And then, I’d find myself apologizing to him because his actions hurt me. Yes, apologizing to him, because I was hurting.

But I also learned that the people who love you the most – can hurt you the most too.

To quote my character in my book:

Love is pretty fucked up. It’s complicated. Painful. And wonderful all in one. It can cause you to make some stupid decisions. It’s ugly. It’s messy.

But with the right person, at the right time…love is fucking everything.

But we’re still chasing
For that feeling
Was it worth it all?
Could it be more?

And oh
What a way to die
Standing eye to eye
Pretending we’re alive
As we grow colder

And oh
The devil that I know
Is better than the devil that I don’t

Jacob Banks

Excuse me and my vulgar ways

Excuse my posts for the next while as I work through my shit. Life can’t always be sunshine and roses. But soon. I know things will make sense again.

And I’ll be able to breathe again.

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