Writing fictional character, falling in love with them, and killing them off

It’s Monday morning and I’m sipping my first cup of the coffee of the day. My knee went out again last night while in the kitchen, so it’s going to be an easy day today. This getting old thing is well, to be honest with you, getting old.

My life has become a sort of dial-hum with repetitive tasks and routines. I get up in the morning, usually between 7:00 – 9:00 am and seem to get about four or five hours of sleep. I think that’s the best I can do these days .

I start my day off with coffee and breakfast. I check my emails. Respond to messages if necessary. Then I watch the news for a little while and catch up on current events. I only go out once a week now, unless I have medical appointments. Winter is still in full swing and we had inches of snow on the weekend.

Then I get to writing and hours go by without even realizing it. I spent the entire weekend working on a new supernatural book, only stopping for pee breaks, to eat, and to stretch my body every now and then. I still can’t exercise because of my knee. I’m immobile.

Falling in love with characters and killing them off

The more time I devote to this story, that I’m falling in love with, the more ideas that come to my head. Conversations between the characters take place in my brain. Entire scenes will flash before my eyes and I can see them play out like a movie. I’ve created four books in the last month, made up entire towns and dozens of interesting characters that come to me at night.

The dialogue takes over my brain and I make my way to the computer because I have to write them down, or I’ll lose them. My brain has become a non-stop thought bubble. Replaying the conversations in my mind, wondering how I can improve on the scene.

Creative channeling

Sometimes I wonder where these thoughts and ideas come from. It’s like I’m channeling or tapping into an unseen source. Creativity comes and goes in waves. It’s the same for music. I go into this meditative state and play the piano, and a song will come out.

I often wonder what authors like Rowlings or King experience when they write. Do they get as obsessed as I do with the characters? Do they fall in love with them like I do? Do they hear dialogue in their head?

They must. With the amount of books they’ve written, in the genres they do, they must have the most brilliant minds that I’d love to tap into it. Just to get a glimpse.

I often wonder if I’m bordering on insanity. When you hear voices in your head that are not your own, it can make you feel like you are slowly losing your mind. But I know that it’s not the case. It’s not a demon or supernatural creature feeding me these lines.

It’s me. It’s my brain. At least, I think it is.

These books are consuming me, and I all I want to do is write. I will publish them when finished, but under a new username. I know it’s a good book, but I could never use my real name. Not for this type of story. It’s too personal to me. I’ve used bits and pieces of my own life and relationship history.

Writing as cathartic release

I actually cried as I wrote some of the more heartbreaking scenes. And then I realized that one of the main characters, would have to die. That’s how it is as a writer.

The words you put on paper, can change the direction of your story, even ones that you had plotted out in excruciating detail. One minor detail. One major event. Adding a new scene. These are all things that can determine the fate of beloved characters.

One night while lying in bed, a name came to mind. And I could blame it on shows like Supernatural and Lucifer, or the movie Fallen with Denzel Washington. A demonic name that I had heard in Sunday school as a child. One that stuck with me all these years. One that I felt compelled to throw into my story.

Azazel.

His name floats around my brain and I wonder… all these thought bubbles going on. What if? And then I push the idea out of my mind. What if writing is just channeling thoughts from someone else? From something else?

The idea is fascinating to me. And also a tiny bit terrifying.


I wonder, dear friends – do any other authors become this absorbed when writing? Do you write for hours and not even realize that an entire day has passed and you haven’t spoken to anyone?

It’s given me a new passion. A new awareness of the creativity process. It’s opening me up to new ideas, thought patterns and even dreams.

And so, that’s where we are on this dark and chilly Monday. And wondering if perhaps, the demons in my book could ever be real or if there really are supernatural creatures that go bump in the night.

What does YOUR creative process look like?

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