It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve been awake since 7:30. The sky is dark this morning even after 9:00 am. I just finally got out of bed, got dressed and have my breakfast and a cup of coffee. Breakfast this morning is a piece of toast with half a banana, some oatmeal granola that I made last night (it’s very crumbly) and a hardboiled egg. Oh, and my one cup of instant coffee that I must have most mornings. Sometimes I don’t because my sinuses cause dry mouth. On those mornings, I just drink a lot of water.
It’s a warmer day today and I tried sitting on the balcony last night. That wind was chilly even though we finally broke 0 degrees. It is supposed to be warm all this week and that is a welcome change, however, it is also supposed to rain today and that means the sidewalks and roads are going to be awful. Why does that always happen on days I have to go out??? I need to see my dad soon. I did get some of the snow cleared off my balcony yesterday but it’s really piled on. The chairs are cleared at least and I knocked a good foot of snow off the railing.
I’m feeling a little more human today and I’m wondering if it’s because I didn’t take my new meds yesterday. Maybe the dosage is too high for starting off. I’m on 500 mg of Naproxen and while it is great for the pain, I’ve been having lots of dizzy spells and nausea this week. Related? I don’t know. We’ll see , I guess. Maybe I’ll just cut the pill in half and see if that helps a bit. Then work my way up to 500 mg. You’re supposed to take the pill twice a day but that seems excessive.
One thing that is crazy is the amount of dreams I am having this week and I wonder if it’s related to the meds. These are pain meds for the migraines and arthritis. I also get a lot of lower back pain from a previous fracture that was never treated. Just making the bed for example can send me into fits of screaming rage – from the pain. But daily exercise seems to be helping a bit with that.
Having weird dreams isn’t a new concept to me. What is weird is that I’m repeating dreams that I had years ago. One dream about my ex felt so real, that it’s messing with my psyche. I was almost convinced that the dream really happened. And now it’s playing with my memory – did this really happen? Did I forget about the incident? Or have I just had the dream so many times that it feels real? This must be what my dad feels like with the hallucinations. It’s a bit scary. Not knowing what’s real or not.
I’ve had different variations of this dream. Sometimes it’s with my ex Kevin. And sometimes it’s my ex Cory. I remember one dream where Cory and I drove for hours trying to find the perfect spot to camp for the night. We went a few times together in real life with his parents and went on a few road trips – one to Radium, BC and one to Cochrane to visit his family. It was a nice and safe relationship – a little too safe for me, which is ultimately why it ended after 2.5 years. We wanted different things. I wanted to move in. He was a mom’s boy and wanted to stay at home. Guess who got married first and wound up having kids. Isn’t that always the way? But there’s no shade there. After we broke up, we patched things up and stayed friends for a while. At least until we both moved onto other relationships. He even helped me move once.
Kevin was a different story. We dated for about a year. It was a serious relationship. I introduced him to a lot of my friends in a certain community. And in the end, I lost some friends when the relationship ended. It’s weird that I would start dreaming about him after we split though. It was a painful breakup but also inevitable. We loved each other, just not enough.
In the dream, we drive for a few hours until we find this old one bedroom cabin. I think we must be lost in the dream because the cabin is empty except for a bit of furniture and a fireplace. We dump our bags inside and wind up sleeping outside in a “lean-to” which is a DIY survival sleeping area made of wood, trees and natural elements. I learned that from a survival weekend camp thingy many years ago.
The dream is always very short and I wake up right after it. We’re lying down on the ground trying to keep each other warm. And then I’m back in my bed. I’m often left scratching my head wondering what the dream could mean. And why is it a different person in each dream? The first few times I had the dream, it was with Kevin. Then Cory. And back and forth. I’m usually pretty good at dream interpretations but this one has me scratching my head. Literally. I need a shower.
These are relationships that have been over for more than a decade and yet these guys still creep into my dreams. I also had a very vivid dream about my high school best friend Trina and our townhouse that we lived in together for about five months in 1996. In the dream, she asked if I would stay home and look after her toddler with last minute notice. She treated me terribly and was using me for money the entire six months I lived with her family (Trina, Scott and the baby).
I point blank looked at her and said, “I’m your roommate. I pay to live here. I’m not free childcare.” And I felt this sense of rage and wanted to punch her in the face. That anger stayed with me a bit when I woke up and I realized it was just a dream. But I guess I have a lot of pent up feelings that I never got to tell her after our last fight. I’ll write about that experience in another post. Moving out had been a big mistake and one I’ll always regret. But it was also an important life lesson – be careful who you let into your life, and your heart.
Anyway, I think that’s it. I just wanted to jot down those dreams before I forget. There’s been so many weird dreams this week that feel so real. And so many dreams of a time in my life that is very hazy. This happened more than 20 years ago! Why am I remembering this now? I thought I let go of it all. But dreams have a weird way of re-hashing things you thought were in the past. And I spent a good hour this morning trying recall more about that time in my life. Maybe it’s something to mention in therapy this week.
That’s enough for me. Time to finish my breakfast, have a shower and get my day started. Off to see my dad hopefully later today. Just waiting for a text from my sister saying it’s okay for me to go. She knows I’ve been sick.
And can someone please tell me why this hardboiled egg is so rubbery and gross? I tasted one yesterday and it was perfect. Oh well!