Anxiety is the worst

Well, here we are into the new year and I have a lot on my mind. Yesterday was a bit of a mixed bag. I went to visit my dad for the first time after being sick for a week and he cried the entire time. We have to wear masks, gowns and gloves to visit him for now as someone has COVID on his floor. Even though he’s been vaxxed three times and we’re all doubled vaxxed. We also have to wear these face shields that make it really hard to see in. Every time I breathed, it would fog up. One of the aids laughed and helped me wipe the shield as I was leaving.

But I was so furious about having to wear all this crap that I wound up having an anxiety attack and a hot flash! All at once! My hands were sweating. My breathing became hoarse and I had to leave my dad’s room as soon as he fell asleep because I was starting to feel dizzy.

Anxiety attacks, like panic attacks can feel like a heart attack. At least now, I know what they are. And I know it’s not all in my head. The hypermobility actually causes anxiety. Isn’t that great? Just another thing to pile onto the list of complaints I have. But some days, the anxiety is crippling and I can’t even leave my home.

When my Uber driver saw me sitting on the bench outside to pick me up, he’s like, “why are you waiting outside? It’s so cold!” It was down to -35 again last night and it’s very slippery on the roads. Walking is treacherous. I laughed as I fastened my seatbelt. I needed time to calm my breathing down before going anywhere. And I said, “I was having a hot flash. This weather feels good when you’re hot like that.” We both laughed. But sometimes these hot flashes just make me want to cry. I’m not in menopause just yet. But I have all the symptoms and have been in perimenopause for years.

The rest of the day was great as I finally caught up with a friend. We had pizza. Watched a movie. And then I came home and was in bed by midnight. I just woke up a little while ago and am eating pizza for breakfast. Yes. For breakfast. It’s the best.

Today would have been my mother’s birthday. She would have been 79 I think. She was two years younger than dad. It’s hard to believe she’s been gone as long as she has. People lie when they say it gets easier with time. I find that I miss her the more time that passes. I sometimes forget what her voice sounded like. Sometimes I can hear her voice in my head just saying hello and it feels like she is with me. But… that has been happening less and less.

Seeing my dad is getting harder as he is so emotional these days. The dementia has taken over and it’s hard to see him upset. I just held his hand while he cried yesterday. I asked my family if someone could check on him later. My sister went up and managed to calm him down. He’s usually pretty good with me, but I couldn’t even understand him yesterday. It made me cry too. And so, that’s how this year started.

An anxiety attack. A hot flash while trapped in PPE. And holding my hand while my dad cried. But at least the day ended with a good friend and I got a fairly good night’s sleep.

This morning, the sun is bright and it’s a warmer day. I may sit out on the balcony for a bit this afternoon or shovel the snow off it. I’m counting down the days until spring is here and there are too many days to count.

I’ll post again this week with some selfcare goals for the year. I’ll be making some changes and this blog needs another revamp. So… stay tuned. I think I need to use this blog to vent about anxiety and health issues. And if I remain consistent with posting about selfcare and daily life issues, then maybe I’ll find more people like me too.

Interested in learning more about anxiety? Check out my Living Well series over here –

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