Am I the asshole for not wanting to go to a family party?


It’s Friday morning and I’m just sitting down with my coffee. We’re in another heatwave here but the high is only plus 32C unlike the 40C weather we had last week. The temperature is uncomfortable, but at least my condo has cooled down and is sitting comfortably around 25C. I can sleep in that at least.

I thought I was dying on Tuesday night with cramps and stomach issues from the PCOS and emailed my pharmacist. I asked if she could work her magic and get me some medication delivered asap. She’s one of the few reasons I chose this neighbourhood. By 10:30 am yesterday morning, I had the drugs in my hand. They’re the only thing that works for the pain and I hadn’t had any since January.

But what I really want to write about today is more family drama. I can’t escape this shit. I thought moving closer to them might help us to get along better. Nope. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. And sometimes I wonder if they even realize what they’re doing is gaslighting or abusive. I think they do know deep down and don’t care.

Five of us siblings are in the family group chat with two of the in-laws. I had asked for the family to start the chat because I’m the only one without an Iphone and I wasn’t receiving their chat messages. The battle to even get that started was gross. Over time, the in-laws dropped like flies when they realized how toxic the chat was. Now there’s just two of them left.

We mostly use the group chat for planning family events and to pass on messages about dad’s health. Most of my messages are ignored. My sister D who I get along with and talk to often – will always respond because she knows what they’re doing. They do it to her too. Then someone will send a fucking picture of their kid or having drinks in the backyard. Okay, whatever.

Then it came time for my sister to try and plan the family bbq we had a few weeks ago. When the weather started turning, I suggested having a backup plan but that was ignored. We wound up having to reschedule anyway, and they used my suggestion but passed it off as their own. Okay, whatever. That’s what they do.

My brother started a second group chat to plan my sister in law’s 40th birthday party which is tomorrow night. Now, I’ve been in isolation for almost two years due to being sick and then the pandemic. I’m still getting my feet wet in terms of socializing. And my brother is hosting nearly 40 people tomorrow night. I’m not ready for that. But I bit the bullet and asked if there was anything I could bring or do to help. The family continued to excitedly make plans.

At one point, I realized I hadn’t been to my brother’s house in over five years and I needed his address. He was asking about wine. I suggested a nice rose wine, and said, “Hey, I’m going to need your address again.”

No response. He was busy chatting with my other sister who volunteered to pick up the wine for him. Okay, so I ask again.

Well, that was FOUR days ago. No text. No response. Nothing. I haven’t responded in the main group chat for FIVE days. And now I’m wondering – how long will it take them to notice that I haven’t said anything?

Would they notice if I didn’t even show up to the party? Do they even want me there? I’m kind of feeling like if he really wanted me there – he would give me his address or at least respond to my messages.

But nope. Nothing. I’m giving him until the end of today. If I’ve heard nothing from him, then I’m skipping out on the party. Actually, I might just do that anyway. I’m not feeling great this week to begin with and I’m just not ready to be around 40+ people. I know what the cousins all think of me and I haven’t lost any weight, so I’m really not up for the pity chat and dirty looks about my weight. I know they gossip about me all the time.

I’m not imagining this. I keep telling myself it’s all in my head – but others have noticed this too. And now I’m wondering – was it smart to even move to this area? I mean, I like it sure. But the main reason was to be closer to family.

And why would my sister go through all the trouble of decorating my balcony with new furniture and flowers and treat me like this in front of the rest of the family?

I don’t get it. I’ve always been the black sheep but this one hurts.

So, the plan is to see how long the group chat will go on before they notice I’m not there. My sister D and I share important info about dad anyway and she keeps me in the loop.

What would you do in this situation?

On the bright side, I’m planning on seeing my dad later. I’m hoping it’s a better day today.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Hilary Tan says:

    Have you tried calling him? Yenno, dialing his number and asking for his address over the phone like cave people?

    As for family group chats, I come from a small family and my parents are technologically challenged. So no group chats exist. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I had to remove myself as an in-law in a family group chat on my husband’s side. I flat out told them that I didn’t feel welcome and the way they were treating me (us: my husband and I) was unacceptable. I still haven’t asked to rejoin even though my husband is pestering me to join. That would require me to open another can of worms (FB messenger) and I refuse to do that.

  2. Wendy says:

    we don’t speak outside of family chat. I am going to show up for about an hour and duck out. It has been so hot that it js hard to even get dressed on these days. My sister sent me his address so I have no excuse lol

    Hope you are keeping well!

  3. Dakota says:

    I totally get it. No, you are not the A-hole. Abusive behaviour can become part of a person’s way of interacting. There is no changing them. They either change on their own or not. Some of those reasons are exactly why I didn’t go to an extended family gathering this weekend. I don’t need toxic drama in my space. I have other other activities I can do that are mentally and soul fulfilling.

  4. Wendy says:

    So right. I wound up going at the last minute and my brother seemed genuinely happy that i did

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