It’s been a quiet Tuesday morning and now it’s mid-afternoon. The weather is miserable. It’s dark, cloudy and windy outside. I moved my plants and flowers around so they could get a dose of fresh rain. The heat dried them all out and even burned my herbs last week. The break from the heat is nice – but this is cold. Like winter cold. Instead of turning my heat on, I instead just turned on the fireplace.
Is it weird that I’m actually looking forward to winter this year? I love the fall – it’s my favorite time of the year. Our fall normally starts in August and lasts through to October. However, last year, we had an early start to winter in September. I’m not built for extreme heat. My body just can’t handle it. If this is the “new norm” – I’m not sure what I’ll do for living conditions. I might have to bite the bullet for air conditoning.
Restrictions lifted here on the weekend and I have mixed feelings about it. It’s great not to have to wear masks to most places but people are still up in your face about it – and so a lot of people are still wearing masks. I’ll wear them if I have to – like to doctor’s offices, or to visit my dad. But I hate them for the most part. I wear them just to avoid drama from other people out there who can’t mind their own business.
My family is planning a gathering this weekend – a birthday party. Pre-COVID, I hated attending large parties and gatherings. I’m highly introverted and empathic – it takes me a long time to emotionally come down from the energies I pick up from others. After nearly two years in isolation and not working, I actually prefer being at home and on my own. It’s quiet. It’s comfortable. It’s my safe and sacred space where I can invite those from my inner circle to.
It’s been great reconnecting with friends and family but the large parties – I can do without them. I might show up for an hour or two on Saturday and then duck out. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet. I’ve come a long way in the last year dealing with my anxieties – but this is one that won’t go away. Also, I’m just not a fan of a lot of my family. Mostly the cousins. They are extremely judgmental and I know they talk about me when I’m not there. I’m not imagining that. I’d rather be with people that I feel comfortable with and who support me no matter what. You know who you are.
The pandemic has changed me – and a lot of others. Millions of people around the world who have been living in isolation are waking up to the fact that we’ve been slaves to the corporate world. It’s all I know. For over twenty years, that’s all I’ve known for work. And my last job, literally, nearly killed me. Even though the conditions in the office physically made me ill – I felt I had to stay because it was my civic duty to work and contribute to society as a working person. But where did it get me? Living paycheck to paycheck with no savings? Not being able to afford to travel, buy a car, or even rent a really nice place? All because I don’t have a degree or formal college diploma? I have the years of experience, but that isn’t enough.
I’ve come to that point in my life where the corporate world can kiss my ass. I don’t know what I’ll do for work if I don’t get benefits. I haven’t told my family that I’ve applied for long term disability but this is the best scenario for now. With the migraines, arthritis and anxiety, there are days I just find it hard to even get going. What keeps me going daily is this blog, my friends, and my passion projects. There are a few – I just have to get them started.
I’m contemplating starting another podcast – I deleted my other two. I just don’t know what to talk about. My interests are so all over the place. People aren’t interested in music anymore. I really like TikTok as a platform and have been upgraded to 3 minute videos. I use that platform to share some of my dreams and spiritual experiences. I’m connecting with a lot of likeminded individuals around the world too. It’s great fun.
I’m yearning to get outside more and more every day. Obviously, it’s not going to happen today because it’s so wet outside. I stepped outside for a few minutes this morning to move things around and the rug is soaking wet from the rain. But we needed it badly.
I realized the other night that I’ve sat outside more in the last three months, than I have in the last six years. I used to sit out at dad’s house in the summer months when I stayed with him on the weekends. I’ve missed having a private space to just sit and listen to nature. My only complaint is the light coming from the strip mall across the street. I’m still looking at a way to block the light from my view when sitting down. I also wish I had a longer sofa out there to grab naps on hot days.
Anyway. That’s where my mind is today. It was great on Sunday to get out and see people again – and get a lot of hugs. I’ve missed hugs. I caught up with friends I haven’t seen since 2020. Familiar faces I’ve seen every Sunday morning for 16 years. I’ve missed those connections. I’ve missed those morning coffee chats. I think I’ve just missed human connection in general.
But — also with the insane desire to be on my own.
Living life as an introvert is pretty fucked up at times. I’m sure I’m not alone with these thoughts.
For today though, I’ve got some tunes on. I have an audiobook downloaded for the evening – it’s Seth Rogen’s new book which I’ve been looking forward to listen to. I love his adorable laugh.
I might even cook tonight and turn the oven on. I might even bake a little. And I might even get some cleaning done.
Happy Tuesday everyone. Stay warm. Stay safe.