I wasn’t going to write today. The plan was to spend the day cleaning and working on some products for my Etsy store. But my day started with a phone call at 8:00 am. As soon as I saw the number, I knew it was bad news. But you know what? It’s one of the first nice days we’ve had in a long time, and damnit. I want to enjoy it. Bad news or not.
I was denied long term disability. I didn’t need it for very long. I only needed a couple of months time while attending therapy and trying out new migraine medications. My sleep schedule is still off. But I’m getting better at trying to go to bed at a decent hour and get up in the morning.
So, I spent some time doing the math. Worst case scenario, I have money to last about five to six months without using my line of credit. I’m exploring other options for financial assistance. We are also appealing the decision (my union rep).
I still have medical benefits. And I’ve asked for my vacation to be used. So, I have some money. I’m considering all options like I told my union rep.
Basically, I’m just so tired of the constant struggle. Doctors get easily tired of the paperwork. And I just don’t want to continue to live like this. Constantly getting pulled into HR meetings about performance. It’s soul crushing.
I have mixed reviews from people. One sister tells me to stay on with the job because “it’s benefits and a pension”. Others are telling me to go back to work for a short while. My therapist and medical pros tell me to look for other work. They know the office job is killing me.
I need work I can do from home. I need a change. Not only am I suffering from extreme burnout after 20 years in my field, but I’m dying for a change. I feel creatively suffocated. And it affects my mental health. The job left me with a serious depression that I denied for many years.
So, today… I’m brushing up my resume. Looking at all career options. Reaching out to potential supports. And asking you as readers to either donate to help cover costs for this website (It’s the business plan) or to support my Etsy store and check out the many digital products I have to offer.
I’m not heartbroken. I’m just exhausted from all the paperwork. and back and forth. I’m tired of being told “no, we can’t help you.” I just want to move on with my life and work for people who will appreciate me for what I can offer them.
I sat on my balcony for 20 minutes and enjoyed the sun. My attempts at getting a tan this summer. It was the pick me up I needed. A natural vitamin D booster.
When one door closes, it forces you to make hard choices. I can’t go back there. I know I can’t. I can’t go back to admin work. I am too overqualified for the work. And so, along with my new home – perhaps it’s time to start looking at new ways to work.
Life sometimes forces your hand to make a decision. It may not be the decision you wanted to make, but it’s the one you need to make.
Updated: June 01
I’m amazed at the love and attention this post is still getting. I’ve been on medical EI since early May. The last couple of weeks have been better mood wise and I’m trying to focus on the good things in life. Like family, friends. I’m also working on getting more into my spiritual side and that is helping. Doing more things like meditating, drinking herbal teas and less caffeine. We submitted the appeal today for long-term disability. I also included a lot of research I did on severe migraines. If you’re living with a disability and trying to find support, please – I’d love to connect.
For donations – please scroll to the bottom of the page.