Troubled in troubling times

It’s Thursday at midnight and I’m still wide awake. It’s been a long kind of day and maybe for the first time in a long while, lonely. The isolation of well, isolation life has me contemplating all my major life decisions.

Like being single.

Can you believe, that this week marks the 3rd anniversary of this blog? I started it in April 2019 and I wasn’t sure where I was heading with it. I mostly started it to vent and rant about daily health issues and life stuff. Now, here we are, entering the 2nd year of the pandemic world. And for the first time maybe EVER – I’m re-evaluating my current marital status. This spring also marks my — what — sixth year of being single? Or seven? I can’t keep track anymore. It’s been a while.

Single. What does being single mean? Why do I choose this life?

Well, for one, it’s easier. Sometimes. I mean, I come home to an empty home and I know whatever mess I find, is going to be one that I left earlier that day. I can come and go as I please. I can buy whatever food I want. All that fun adulting stuff.

But then there’s the real adulting stuff. Like paying the rent. Paying the bills. Making sure my fridge is full of healthy food. And making sure there’s enough money leftover “just in case” – which is getting harder by the day. And as I look around my new home and see things that could use a handy man’s touch, I think — maybe I should have a man around more often instead of borrowing my in-laws. For things like changing lightbulbs. Or fixing the towel rack in the bathroom.

Then there’s all the things you need to learn to do for yourself. Like moving on your own. I thank god that I could hire movers and had some money saved for that. But my savings took a big hit from the move. I’m worried for the future. I’m worried about losing my medical benefits which also means no income during a pandemic.

I made the mistake of adding a new friend on Facebook. He lives a block away from me. I thought it would be nice to have a familiar face in the neighbourhood. But when I came back an hour later, to SEVEN messages from him, I realized what a mistake I made.

I’m not ready to let someone in. I may never be. My ex, Greg, our relationship was so toxic and he caused a lot of emotional damage. I may never be able to trust or even love someone again. And so, I shut people out right away.

This new guy, came on too strong and was asking to go for walks based on simply my headshot. He knows nothing about me. Doesn’t know what I “look” like physically. Knows nothing of my health status. And wants to get together in person already? Dude. No. Just no. And yet he keeps asking me to go for walks.

Just no… sometimes I just need to be alone.

The only person who might really know all of me right now, is my therapist. We have an appointment tomorrow. We took a break for a few weeks so I could focus on the move. We’ll continue on as long as I have benefits to pay for the sessions. Mostly we talk about the anxiety of life and the loneliness of isolation.

I also made the mistake of flipping through my high school year book the other night. I found it in one of my many bins. It brought back a lot of memories. I even reached out to a couple of friends that I had crushes on in high school. Most of them are now married with kids. And that makes me a bit sad too. Even the guys who were not popular or loners like me, are now happily married with their own families adventures.

And this might be one of the only times you read this from me.

Did I fuck up royally early on in life?

Did I throw away too many “nice” guys because they were too nice for me at the time? Why am I only attracted to the emotionally damaged or unhealthy people? Is it because I recognize parts of my own trauma in them? Or maybe it’s my endless desire to help people.

One thing I did learn was you can’t change people. Nope. You can compromise. But you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. To coin an overused phrase.

And so… that’s where are this very late Thursday night? Or Friday morning?

Thinking of where I went wrong in life. Wondering if I made the right choices. Wondering what’s going to happen next week with my benefits. Just wondering. And listening to Ray Lamontage. Maybe that’s my issue right there.

Good night friends. I’m so grateful to have you all here with me during this troubling time.

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