DISCLAIMER ALERT: I just finished watching The Good Place last night and I’ve been using the word “forking” to replace a bad word. So, no – I’m not obsessed with eating utensils. I’m just forking mad. It will wear off eventually.
It’s 8:00 am on this Saturday morning and the world is dark outside. My day however started an hour ago when I woke up to the pitter patter of my forking’s neighbour’s again. I don’t know what they do in the morning. Are they wearing shoes? Are they clog dancing above my bed? Are they playing musical chairs? How can two tiny people make so much forking noise? And how is it that I can hear every forking sound they make?
Okay, that may be enough forks for now. But seriously. I’m tired of this. Three years of listening to this. It seems they are out to get me. It’s like every night when I crawl into bed, get all comfy and my head hits the pillow – I get into that nice relaxing position and boom. Someone gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. I CAN HEAR them get out of bed to go pee. They walk around for a bit then climb back into bed which must be a metal frame like mine. I can seriously hear every forking move.
Then I made the mistake of hopping onto Reddit again before my morning coffee. Which I have now. With some nice toast, peanut butter and I have eggs cooking away in the rice cooker. This is me trying to be healthy after binge eating my feelings last night and stuffing my face full of gingerbread cookies. Because goddamn forking bullshirt. They’re really forking good cookies.
Someone reported me to the Reddit “self-care” team again. Like really? Wasn’t the internet basically invented so people had a place to rant anonymously about everything in life that they were unhappy about it? It’s what we cool kids did back in the day of the IRC chat rooms with comments like /me eyeroll and /me forking you so hard.
And since when do strangers think it’s okay to give someone who is venting random advice? Like telling me what to eat? Okay granted, this person didn’t know that I shoved a whole forking half a bag of gingerbread cookies into my mouth. But mostly I eat pretty forking healthy. Like raw carrot sticks, snap peas, grapes, apples, boiled eggs healthy. I mean, come on. I moderate a fitness group for forksakes.
And then there’s this blog. I write well thought out articles after spending many hours of research. And which posts do you readers like most? These posts about bagels and morning coffee moods. And so, here’s a forking coffee morning mood post rant thing.
Okay, I feel better now. I’ve used the word forking excessively enough that I just want to eat my toast, eggs and drink my forking coffee in peace.
Shove a fork in it.
Happy Forking Saturday.