Every couple of years I sit down and re-watch the classic show, Sex and the City which was hugely popular in the late 90’s. Just writing this makes me feel old.
The show was a major hit on HBO at the time and it was a real trend setter. Not only for Sarah Jessica Parker’s wild fashion ensembles but any time the girls went to a real bar or club – that club would be the next biggest thing in New York City.
I always identified with Carrie throughout the series. I bounced from relationship to relationship in my younger years and would obsess over everything – it’s often why my relationships fell apart quickly. My anxiety. I would overthink things and it put too much pressure on the other person.
As you know, I love to write. I even have curly hair (naturally) like Carrie. And mostly, I passed up the opportunity to get married at a young age and dated a Mr. Big for nearly two decades – off and on.
I’ve written about James before in older posts. How he came and went as he pleased. He was almost exactly like Mr Big. – He’d make all kinds of promises and would stick around for a couple of months. But when things started getting “serious” – he’d disappear.
And he had a knack – he’d swoop on in whenever I was happy in other relationships and promise me the world. It was like radar. Either I was really happy in a relationship or really down on life and he’s just swoop right back in.
I didn’t learn until about 2012 – that I was the “other woman”. The woman he hooked up with on the weekends when he was in between relationships. And sometimes – the woman he connected with when he couldn’t see his girlfriends. I am embarassed at how long it took me to discover that this was true. And I found out this by discovering his girlfriend’s Instagram account.
He had texted me from Hawaii where he said he was living for two months. He said he wanted someone to cuddle with and that the person he was there with wasn’t the right person…yeah. Except that she was. He was on vacation for two weeks with his then girlfriend.
And the man who said he would NEVER get married, got married in 2015.
We connected briefly in person to chat about things. He apologized for being such a terrible person. He wanted to remain friends. It was just before his wedding. He said he was getting help for his “lying problem”.
I haven’t seen him since. He even lied about his wedding date. And all I can say, is good riddance. See you later.
Anyway… that’s not the point of this post. This meme is:
Every time I re-watch the series, this episode just pisses me off.
Marriage – or relationships in general are partnerships. They take work from both sides. If one person is doing more work than the other, or making more sacrifices than the other – eventually that person will resent the other.
It isn’t about how much you love someone – it’s about how you treat each other. Relationships should be about respect and equality. Compromise instead of sacrifices.
I’ve learned that you don’t have to share everything with your partner. You can have different interests and different friends – but the best relationships are when both people support each other equally. And unconditionally (within reason – if it’s healthy).
I remember fighting with James by text one day and he asked me what I wanted for him. This was fifteen years into our “casual” relationship. I said things couldn’t stay casual for ever. I was tired of being his dirty secret. I wanted to be more involved in his life – and if he couldn’t do that – we were over.
“What do you want from me? At best, I could be a part-time lover. I’m not the marrying kind.”
We got close after that discussion. Closer than ever. He was at my place on Friday nights. I cooked him dinners. We were making plans for a hiking trip together – you know, when I was in awesome shape. He told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine life without me.
And then as he always did…. he bailed. He pulled a Mr. Big and disappeared from my life.
So, if you take anything from this it’s…. Sex and the City is still an entertaining watch. But some of the ideas about love and marriage are so cringe. Like this one.
This is my sage advice for this week:
Don’t marry someone who loves you more. Marry someone you are madly, deeply in love with – someone you consider your best friend. Someone you can rely on and doesn’t make you cry. Someone who knows you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend with.
And this is why I’m….Mostly Single – and will probably stay that way.
Also, the first movie – is a guilty little pleasure. I watch it whenever I’m feeling a little lonely or need a good laugh. It’s a good movie. The second was just rubbish. I watch it every Christmas just for this scene alone. And this song makes me tear up.
Yes, it’s a cheesy movie – but sometimes you just need that. And a good cry.
I promise – I don’t write this often every day. Sometimes you just gotta write what you feel!