It’s 1:30 in the morning on a Tuesday night. Or is it technically Wednesday morning? Whatever day it is – my mind is running a thousand miles per minute and I can’t sleep. That’s insomnia for you.
I promised myself that I would stop watching the news for a few weeks and stop reading the Alberta posts on Reddit for a while. Things were just getting too depressing. I mean, the world is kind of in a bad place right now. And when you spend all your time reading all the “bad stuff” going on, it starts to bring you down.
And I was starting to feel it – all of it.
But for the first time in a long time, my mind is clear and things are making sense again. I have a direction in life. A sense of purpose. A sense of who I want to be and where I want to head in this life. It feels like there is an unseen force or hand that is gently guiding me into a certain direction.
Towards a certain path.
That voice in the back of my head – I don’t know who it is or where it comes from. But it’s gently telling me to – be brave.
And to believe in myself.
Is it a guardian angel? Is it my mum reaching out to me who I miss so dearly this week? Or is it just my subconscious crying out for me to finally “get woke”?
I don’t know.
Maybe it’s the great spirit or the creator telling me that I need to believe in myself again. Or just believe that the universe is guiding me on the right path. And that things will work out the way they’re supposed to work out.
I’m my own worst enemy at times. You know what I mean. That negative voice that nags you in the back of your mind. The one that tells you that you aren’t good enough. You aren’t smart enough. You’ll never make anything out of yourself.
That voice that reminds you of all the things you already hate about yourself. Reminding you that — the size you are – the way you look – it’s holding you back. You won’t ever succeed. You don’t deserve to succeed.
That nagging voice. I hate that voice. It’s there. It’s always been there. You can push it deep down – but it never really goes away. It bubbles angrily to the surface when you least expect to like hot lava. It burns you.
It can even leave permanent scars.
If you listen long enough to that voice, it will eventually drive you insane. I think there’s a punchline here but I’m not getting it tonight. Hearing voices of course probably means you’re already insane.
But those negative thoughts – they’re like poison. And they can slowly kill you inside if you let them. But how do you ignore them? How do you push those voices out of your head? How do you let go of the negativity and only think of the positive things in life?
It’s hard – isn’t it? Seems nearly impossible?
It does get easier over time. As you get older and albeit wiser, you learn to stop fighting yourself. You learn that in order to be truly happy with yourself – you need to be comfortable in your own shoes.
You need to be able to let go of past hurts and learn to trust again. You need to forgive yourself for your faults and bad choices in your life.
You need to – you just need to learn to breathe – and to be brave.
You need to be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished. And you need to tell yourself – that you are indeed worth it.
You are worth it. You matter.
I’m listening to the sweet sounds of the Native American pan flute. I am simply, obsessed with this music. It makes me feel at peace. It makes me feel whole. I can’t explain it nor can I describe the feeling well enough.
Perhaps they should have sent a poet. (Thanks Jodie Foster)
There’s only one thing in this world that quiets the busy and negative mind for me. And it’s this music. I can listen to the flute for hours. I listen to it while I write. It blocks out noise from the physical world – everything becomes quiet. And clear.
This music takes me back to a time when I was younger, healthier, happier. To a time when I was connected to Mother Nature and all her glory. Wandering alone in the Alberta mountains. Listening to the sounds of the earth in all her awesomeness.
For these few moments – these fleeting moments – I feel like I’ve truly found peace.
And so, that gentle hand pushing me down this path, is starting to feel more like a shove – it’s telling me I’m onto something. I should let go of the negativity. I should believe in myself.
Just believe in me.
And yes. That even I – with all my faults – and bad decisions, and all the things wrong in my life –
I matter too.