Last night was a rough night. I couldn’t sleep at all. Finally passing out around seven am this morning. Needless to say, by the time nine rolled around, I couldn’t get out of bed. There was pain. A lot of pain in my back. And I knew.
I suffer from the dreaded Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It sucks. I’ve had it most of my life but wasn’t diagnosed until 2009. Most cases, are treated with the use of birth control. Unfortunately, that’s something I can’t do. I also have a blood-clotting disorder. So, no birth control for me. Which when you’re infertile anyway – does it really matter?
Years ago, when I lost the weight I cured myself of the symptoms of PCOS for a few years. Or so I thought. I got to a point where I could track my cycles to the day. There were on time. On point. Lasted 3-4 days. And were okay to live with.
Now – I’m bedridden when it happens. The pain is unbearable. But what’s also unbearable is the weight gain, swollen limbs, adult acne, thinning of hair that’s always been thick, and most of all, spending hours in the bathroom doubled over in pain. Trust me. I’ll spare you the gory details.
I had to call in sick to my volunteer gig this morning. I hate doing that. I’ve been there fifteen years playing music every Sunday. I’ve only called in sick a handful of times. Three times over a span of twelve years. And twice, in the last year.
I feel like with health issues, I’m disappointing a lot of people. A lot of people. There’s my co-workers and managers. My friends that I haven’t seen in months because I haven’t felt up to being social. My family – especially for my dad because I can’t get out to see him today.
I’m burden to the medical system. This past week means that I have to return to my doctor’s again and get some more tests done.
Losing weight seems nearly impossible. I have to cut out all the foods I love like bread and most dairy. When I do this, I lose weight FAST. Like, I’m already down six pounds in the past week or two just from switching to clean eating. But fuck it. I’m still eating bread. Just less of it. Because it’s fucking bread.
I’m eating kale and chicken at the moment. Finally forced myself to get out of bed. At the moment, I have pretty good energy and a clear head. But there pain is there. It’s always fucking there. And I’m tired of it controlling my life.
So there. That’s the end of my rant. The good for today is that I’m down six pounds. The bad thing is that I feel like I’ve disappointed everyone around me.
Anyone else feel that way? Chronic health issues are bullshit.
Excuse my language. But I’m seriously annoyed.
And I’m at a loss in words watching the news on youtube.
Just, wow. And I don’t even watch basketball. What a tragic way to die.