Monday night blues…

The only downside to being single and a loner is when you have something you need to hash out with a brilliant mind at ten pm on a Monday night. This is my life now. I’ve come to accept life as a middle aged single woman. But sometimes… just sometimes – life is really hard.

Our family was never “well off”. There were hard times over the years. I went to work right after high school. My grades were terrible and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I was a musician but no one was hiring at the time – just like now. An arts degree without funding for education just wasn’t feasible.

And so, I traveled from part time job, to part time job until I found my way into retail. I took a short computer course in the late 90’s and got the basic training I needed to move into the administrative field. And that’s where I have been since 2002 holding various jobs over the years.

I’ve been lucky in my current position that I’ve been able to take some courses to work towards a better paying position. However. Things are kind of up in the air right now. There isn’t much of a budget for anything. Things are a little scary all over. There are fiscal restraints. Budget cuts. Contracts are not being renewed.

I took as many writing courses which eventually led me to this blog. The plan was to go back to school this year – but that’s just not happening. There’s no money this year. And it looks like we may be hit with a hard recession. It won’t be my first one living in this province of ours.

I find myself mulling over decisions I’ve made in my life. I could have taken the “easy” way out and got married at nineteen. Someone I dated asked me. Of course, he was the same guy who was living in his truck and was stalking me for a couple of months. So, maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t say yes.

He had asked me to marry him while talking on the phone one night. I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair. And then I realized he was being serious…fast forward twenty plus years. The timing for marriage was just never right. The guy was never the right guy. And the last guy – well, might just be the last guy for life. It was the most toxic and abusive relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m still healing from it. We brought out the worst in each other.

This song could have been written about us.

My biggest regret in life – is not going to college. Not getting the education I sorely need to advance in my career. I was a loyal worker to the wrong people who only took advantage of that work ethic I had. And in the end – it really held me back. We just didn’t have the money for it.

I’m tired of renting and have longed to own a home of my own. I would love to buy custom made furniture and design my future home – just the way I want it.

But while on a single salary – half my income just goes to basic living alone. The price of rent is astronomical and I’m tired of having half of my hard earned income pay for someone else’s mortgage.

Here’s my problem. I don’t have the 30% for a down payment that they ask for now. Who does? It’s unrealistic. And even if I could find a condo in my price range – factor in $500-700 monthly condo fees – and I’m screwed. No, I don’t want to borrow the money – I don’t want to spend my life drowning in more debt.

My current landlords wanted me to buy this place I’m in now. But it needs too much work. The building is old and falling apart. And I’m not a fan of my neighbours. It’s not the quiet little corner I moved into five years ago.

The reason I’m writing this down and out post – I just found out that my dream condo that I hoped to move into in the spring – may go to someone else. And all because the current tenant changed her mind yet again and ended her lease early and I can’t get out of mine.

I have a couple of options. Wait until May and see if the owner will consider a short term rental for someone else in the mean time. I can’t break my lease earlier than March without penalty. And that penalty is something I cannot afford.

Or I can bite the bullet and pay $3000 and move in – January if she would let me. But again. That’s a lot of money right now. There’s moving costs. Deposit. I can’t afford to pay two months rent.

This is my fault. I got too excited about something that wasn’t a for sure 100% deal. I told everyone I knew. That’s usually when things go to shit.

So, here I am. Ten pm on a Monday night wondering what I can do to earn some extra money. I’m still keeping to my promise of keeping this blog ad free. But I struggle to come up with other ways to earn money legally from home – that won’t interfere with my day job. And music.

I need to win the lottery. Or meet a really rich man and have extravagant parties on a yacht. I want a yacht damnit. Maybe I should have married for money first – at least that’s what I joke about with my dad. I did it wrong. I held out for love only the love didn’t last long enough. And so, here I am.

I’m at a total lost on what to do here. I had a feeling this was too good to be true. Something has to give here. The rising cost of rent is going to kill me. And I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this strain.

And no, a roommate is not possible at my age. You come to a point in life where you’re just too old for that drama.

On the up side, I’m seeing Rosanne Cash on Wednesday night. I’m looking forward to a fun night out. Only one concert this month. Next month is The Paper Kites and Tall Heights. Because indie bands tend to charge less money for tickets. I’m also looking forward to having someone to feature on this blog – finally. Concerts are just so expensive.

Ever just have one of those days where NOTHING seems to work out for you? Maybe I’ve just got the Monday blues. I’ll stop bumming you out now and leave you with a little Eric Clapton — moody music. Nothing beats listening to the blues while you contemplate every wrong decision you made in your life.

Signing off for the night with dramatic flair.

And in case that isn’t enough depressing music for you… here’s my Rainy Day music playlist on Spotify.

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