It was around 2008, that I started composing music for the first time on my old digital Roland. I knew nothing about composition. But I had played the piano for years, studied theory, and performed in an orchestra for many years.
Listening to some of my older compositions, makes me cringe now. The sound is terrible. But we didn’t have the technology we have today back then. I don’t even think DAW’s were around – Digital Audio Working Stations.
As you all know, I’m single and live on a single person’s salary. I also live on my own. So the majority of my income, goes to basic living.
Having hobbies – can get really expensive. And I’ve gone through many phases in the last 10 years.
The Picasso Phase
I went through a Picasso phase where I painted everything I could get my hands on. Some of my paintings still on the wall across from me. Don’t worry. I still have both ears.
But the cost of art supplies started adding up. And the other issues was space. Where was I going to store all these paintings? I still have a box of ugly paintings that I just have no idea what to do with. Painting is FUN. But it’s messy. And when renting, it’s just not a good idea to spill paint all over the floor – and me.
So, I switched from art supplies to digital painting. Much less of a hassle. No clean ups required. My hands don’t take a beating from paint and washing them repeatedly. My floor remains clean. But again, the cost of the program – not cheap.
I use Corel Painter Essentials and have ALL the brush packs. I think I spent about $250 on this all together. But the end result? Is astounding. This coming from someone who has learned everything about art from YouTube videos – and of course, Bob Ross.
The desire to learn digital art came from becoming a DIY musician. I didn’t have the money to continuously pay artists for their work. So, I became an artist to create my own album art.
Music is an expensive hobby. It’s why musicians are always broke.
Thank heavens, for programs like Canva. I tried desperately last year to learn Adobe. But since switching to the monthly payment plans – I just can’t justify the cost of the software for the amount I would use it. Maybe one day – when I can work on art and music full time. But today, is not that day.
The Jewelry Making Phase
Last year, I got into arts and crafts. I got obsessed with making bracelets. It got to the point where I had spent literally, two thousand dollars on supplies! But I was selling bracelets at work. And they went like hotcakes. Christmas was a pretty profitable time. Even though I lost money in the end – I made a lot of people happy with the gift of bracelets for their stockings.
Then back in April, I got this idea of writing books and short stories. And I did. I wrote quite a few. I had started writing short horror books in 2017. But then my dad got sick and time just slipped away on me. I wrote some books on the experience of losing my mother. I wrote some very adult books. But again, I found it very challenging to keep up with it all.
Being a DIY Everything – is quite exhausting. I’m not making excuses. It really is. My interests – there are too many to do it all.
The Fitness and Weight Loss Phase (still going strong… but slowly)
So, I shifted my focus to fitness and weight loss. But even that got difficult to keep on top of it. Not because I wasn’t interested but because I wasn’t passionate about it. People love reading about fitness tips, cooking tips and learning about healthy living.
I lost passion. It went out the window with self-respect and confidence due to the fact that I struggle to lose weight. It’s a vicious cycle and ongoing battle. It’s why my career has been held back. It’s why I quit performing except at church. I gave up.
So many questions. So much confusion at 42 years old.
But is it – who I am? Is it what drives me? Nope. If you saw me now, you wouldn’t think so. Does it put a smile on my face? Does it get me excited? What can I do to make changes to my life? How can I fix all these things that are wrong? How can I make things – easier?
How can I just be the person I want to be – all of me – without worrying about others judging me? Some of my family members can be the most judgmental of anyone. And that’s something I’ve been fearful of. But you just get to a point where you truly say.
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Moving forward. Being comfortable in my skin with who I really am.
I thought about it a lot the last couple of months. I struggled with several ideas. I started several blogs only to scrap them weeks later. I thought – how can I incorporate all these ideas swirling around into my head? How can I do this and maintain the interest of my readers?
How can I keep writing about the things I love and help to motivate and inspire others? How do I do this? How can I keep up with all the tasks I have assigned to me? I’m a one woman show on a one person budget. I have a job. I also have to eat. Clean. Shop. Pay bills. Etc. Etc.
I realized that these were all excuses. The only thing holding me back – was ME. Just me. No one else. It’s no one else’s fault that I’m living the way I am now. And the other thing I realized? It was like an epiphany. The light bulb went off and exploded above my head.
I am my own worst enemy.
The thing that was holding me back – I was afraid to have a voice. No, scratch that. I had a voice. I was just afraid to use it. I hid for months from my family and friends, appearing online with an alter ego. Eventually, I ran out of things to say. And I ran out of inspiration.
That was one of the reasons I stopped writing as much as I had initially. It was difficult to continue lying to you. Well, it wasn’t so much lying as it was me not being able to be “me” with you. You only got about half the story.
I have so many stories that I can tell in relation to music. All the experiences I shared with you – they were my experiences. Only now, you can hear it from the musician in me. And I can’t wait to share those experiences with you.
I was doing some research into how to promote music and blogs. And I came across a brilliant idea. Someone suggested writing a story for each song you’ve written and put it into a book.
And I think – that when the time is right, and I’ve written enough of my stories down – I think that will be my next big goal. To write this all down in a book.
I’m single. Which was my motivation for starting this blog. So I had a place to vent about life as a single person. But being single, doesn’t have to define who I am. Neither does being over weight. Or being an artist. Or whatever other label other people might have given me over the years.
I don’t have kids. I can’t have them. I have no intention of adopting or having a family of my own. That results in me having a bit of extra time to devote to music and art projects. I have the luxury of coming and going as I’m needed. I could pack up and move to Vancouver or Toronto if the right opportunity came up.
But at the same time. And this thought comes up a lot lately as I talk to my dad about planning his funeral.
My dad has a legacy. It’s his 5 kids, 9 grandkids and 1 great grandchild. The thought hit me really hard. What do I have to leave behind? What’s my legacy? What do I have to offer this world?
When I die – who’s going to remember me? Who’s going to remember what I did?
Life is short. We only get one shot leaving lasting imprints on this ever changing and ever growing world of ours. My biggest fear in life – is to not be remembered.
What is my legacy? What do I have to be left behind? What’s my imprint?
This is the story behind my next album release.
Thank you for being part of this journey into where I am now. And for sticking with me, and sharing my journey – of who I am to become.