Sunday morning thoughts

My little sister got married yesterday and it was the most beautiful day of all days. My knees are screaming at me. My head is fuzzy from one too many drinks. Apparently, “Wedding Jen” is super fun and likes to dance all night with the twenty-something crowd.

I’m paying for it today. My entire body is crying out in pain and punishing me for all the fun I had. But I visited with family I hadn’t seen in a long time. And everyone was blown away by how different I looked. I guess losing a little weight and cutting your hair the right way, makes all the difference. I also wore a dress. That almost never happens.

The wedding itself was magical. But weddings always make me a little sad. We were missing one person last night – my mother.  She was the driving force of our family. And while my dad was there, and looked handsome in his suit and tie, we all missed my mother terribly.

But it wasn’t just about mum. That’s not why I was feeling a little out of it last night. I realized after scanning the room that I was one of the single women there – at least my age anyway.

Weddings always force me to re-evaluate my lifestyle choices. People at weddings always ask me, “When is it my turn?” And last night, I joked that, “being single is a lifestyle choice.” And for the most part, it’s true.

The premise of this blog was to share stories and rant and vent about the single life. And while being single at times is great – at other times, like family weddings, it can be incredibly lonely.

I hung out last night with my nieces and nephews during the reception. And like the great aunt that I am, I thoroughly embarrass my nephew who looks a lot like me. Poor kid.  He’s a talented musician though. I brag that he gets that from me. I’m trying to convince him to learn to sing. And after one too many rum and cokes, I started serenading him with Unchained Melody when the DJ started playing it. It creeped him out so much, he moved to the other side of the table. It was glorious.

I forgot how much I loved to sing. Apparently, drunk Jen is a crooner. And a dancer. My knees are really hating me today.

As I looked around the room at all the happy couples dancing and having a great time, I felt a little sad. While I know being single for me now – is a lifestyle choice. I think it might be time to get back out there and at least meet people and be open to possibilities.

I miss having someone to talk to on a daily basis. I miss having a travel partner. I miss having someone to bring to family events and dance with at weddings.

My last relationship ended in in 2014. It was a toxic relationship and it ended badly. It messed me up for a long time. I let myself go. I hit rock bottom after it ended. Then my dad got sick and my life became about taking care of him on the weekends.

I think I’ve been using my dad as an excuse for not dating or getting into relationships. Everyone tells me I deserve a little happiness, and I keep telling myself and them, that I am happy single.

I’ve been single so long that I am pretty set in my daily routine. I’m not even sure I could let someone new in. I need a lot of downtime – more than most people. Between work, writing, my family, my side job – there really isn’t a lot of time left.

But… I guess if I wanted to meet someone, I would need to make a little room in my life for them.

I do want to travel this summer. And it would be really great to have someone to travel with. I could visit countries I’ve never been to. I wouldn’t have to worry about safety traveling alone. And it would help financially to have someone to travel with.

So.. baby steps.

My fitness challenge was put on hold the past few days because of the wedding. I promise, I will get back to posting about fitness advice and tips. I just needed a few days to focus on family.

Family.

While we don’t always see eye to eye – I do love them. Weddings remind me of that. But weddings make me miss mum even more. I know she would want to see me happy and married with kids — and all that jazz. But more than anything, she would just want me to be healthy, and happy.

So, I have a lot to think about over the next while. A lot of changes to make. I’m going to have to make a few changes at home – so I can eventually let someone new in. The thought of it terrifies me. And excites me at the same time.

Why do weddings do this to us? Maybe it’s the booze – I’m just glad I had my meds with me. No migraine this morning – so that’s awesome. But my busy brain is filled with all kinds of thoughts.

But most of all – I’m missing mum today. Forget dating. Forget having a man. I wish mum could have been there last night. I think she was in spirit – but … today, I miss her even more.

It’s been five years since mum died. People always say that grief gets easier in time. But I disagree. I think over time, there are more things that you miss. And while sometimes, I feel mum around me. It just isn’t the same.

 

 

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