Have you ever sat at your desk at work and stared blankly at the computer, and wondered – what the hell you are doing with your life? I had one of those moments today. At exactly 4:55 pm when my network conked out. I had a pressing deadline. So much for leaving early on a Friday afternoon.
I sat there staring blankly at my machine. Everyone else had already gone for the day. Most had cleared out by three. I sat there uttering death threats to the printer. I rebooted my machine three times. I rebooted the printer. I tried using THREE printers which meant running across the entire damn floor about twenty times. But to no avail.
So I had to hand in a project that was incomplete. I hate doing that. It’s so unprofessional. But when you’re pressured with unrealistic timelines, with huge tasks, and not enough people to handle them – you get a little stressed out.
You either hand in work that’s incomplete. Or you miss the deadline and don’t hand it in at all. Either way – you’re screwed.
Today had potential to be a GREAT day. It was quiet in the office. Everyone was in a good mood. When it started snowing, we decided to order in food and enjoy a hot lunch together. We laughed and chatted about summer vacation plans.
Then at 3:30 pm we were informed we had to make changes to something we handed in earlier.
Okay, no problem, I say. Just let me handle it. I’ll get it done.
I finally got home just before six. My feet hurt. My head hurts. And every time this happens, I think my heart dies a little bit more.
I don’t hate my job. I actually really like the people I work with. And I love the work that we do. But I think what’s crushing my soul is the Monday-Friday work life.
Since 2014, I’ve worked as a public servant. I’ve held jobs at all levels in my field. But I chose to stay with this one because the pay at the time was pretty good. I had great benefits. And had made a lot of friends on the job. I also have access to great training opportunities and career coaching. Things I’ve never had before.
So, why do I feel so depressed when I come home at the end of the day? Why do I feel like I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t get out? I have so many things I could be doing in my life. I feel like I’m not living up to my full potential. I feel like I have a lot more to offer. I’m taking courses to further my education and gain new skills.
I’m writing more and more to gain exposure. I’m here on this blog networking with other writes like me. The more I write, the more inspired I feel to keep pushing and keep going. While I’ve lost interest in music and writing books – at least I’m doing what I love.
Writing. It’s always been a passion.
But some days I just find it hard to find energy for that. After work, sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and sleep through the night until the next morning. I feel like I’m wasting my life away in a cubicle. And I don’t even have a window anymore. At least I’m in a space where I have natural light. Sometimes I feel a little like Milton from Office Space who gets moved around so much that he eventually loses it and sets the building on fire.
Poor Milton. I really feel like I should buy a red Milton stapler. Some days, I empathize a little too much with poor Milton.
If you haven’t watched Office Space and you work in an office setting – you absolutely need to. It’s a great flick.
On the way home from work, sitting in the back of an Uber car, I contemplated the meaning of my life.
What am I doing with my life? What makes me happy? What do I want out of life? How can I make these changes happen? Why does it seem like things seem to go wrong when you really need things to turn out right?
I used to joke that I was a public slave. But some days I feel it more than others. I’m not a slave so much to my job. I can always leave if I wanted to. If things got bad. But I’m just thankful to have a job in this economy.
I don’t think we’re slaves to our jobs. I think we’re slaves to society. Corporate Society. If I was American, I would call it – Corporate America. Corporate Canada just doesn’t have the same ring.
We’re slaves to The Man. The Man that signs our paychecks. The Man that takes most of our hard earned money back for federal and provincial taxes.
I swear, if it weren’t for taxes and pension payments, I’d be rich. I keep telling myself that it will pay off one day. Sure, it will. Really. That’s what they tell me anyway.
So, here I am on a Friday night at 6 pm. I’m curled up in my leather recliner with a blanket it’s like zero degrees outside and it’s been snowing all day. Too tired to call anyone. Too tired to make dinner. Too tired to even think of something witty to write about.
Sorry if this is bumming you out. It’s just been that kind of day and my head is full of all these thoughts. My fingers are flying faster than my feeble brain can catch up with.
“But can’t you remember all those details by heart?” a coworker joked with me today.
“But my feeble brain isn’t that big!” I said and she laughed.
At least I still have my sense of humour, right?
How to categorize this post tonight? Office Space? Office Life? Venting? Random? Or it’s Friday wine time?
All I know is my brain hurts and I have all these deep thoughts running around in my head. I swear. If the activity in brain counted towards calories burned – I’d be model thin by now.
And on that note – I think I’m going to reheat my leftover Pad Thai from lunch. And maybe treat myself to a rum and coke.
Why? Because, simply, I can.